These emotions. . .THEY ARE SO BIG!!!!

HOW TO MANAGE OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS: A guide for navigating big feelings in children and teens.

ALL PARENTS, EVERYWHERE: Can I just tip toe on out of this house right now and check back in an hour once you are regulated? I am tired. You do your thing, and I will do mine.

Raising children and teens with big emotions is not for the faint of heart. It’s exhausting. Often it can feel defeating and leave us with some big emotions of our own!

There are few things that get parents more activated than when their child is yelling, whining, refusing, accusing, or hitting over something that seems small or ridiculous in our eyes. In their eyes though the problem is so REAL. In our eyes, we often want them to get over it and move on. I am sure you have experienced that the “suck it up and move on” probably doesn’t work too well for your child or teen. Unless you have a very compliant child and then those emotions find a way to escape. They always do.  Sometimes it results in chronic depression, anxiety, or physical ailments. If you have yourself a yeller and a defyer, then the odds are in your favor. These kiddos have better long-term mental health outcomes! Either way let’s look at some options.

Understanding how to manage your child or teen’s anger takes some planning.

1)    Validate, validate, validate. HOWEVER, sometimes saying “I can see you are so sad” escalates the situation! Especially if you have a more sensitive or intense child.  So then you can just say “You are right, school sucks.” “I know that friend is the worst!” “Oh my gosh, I know homework should be eradicated from the universe.”  When they know you are on their side, they will feel heard, understand, and they will be able to regulate more.

Validation is for co-regulation. Co-regulation is how we regulate even as adults. It gets easier as adults to self-regulate; however we often feel better after talking to a friend, partner, parent, or therapist. This is co-regulation! Parents often want their children to know coping skills. Great! And a lot of the time our children and teens need us to help regulate because their brains are still developing.

Validation DOES NOT equal your agreement.  The friend that they are mad at you may really like and that’s ok. You know they do need to go to school and your child likes many parts of it. But when your child is escalated, logic and reasoning has been thrown out the window. Their brains are physically not able to do that type of thinking right now! It is not possible!

Parents, bless our hearts, often think we are validating but we often aren’t. I have heard countless attempts by parents on validation and frankly it’s missing the ballpark. Each child may have a different response to validating and learning what works for your kiddo is key. The easiest thing to do is to agree with that statement. “I hate you and never want to see you again!!” “Ok, I hear that you don’t like me right now” “No, I hate you!” “Ok yes you HATE me right now!” You know, something like this.  This step is vital. It can’t be stepped over if you want a strong relationship with your child and if you want your child to learn that they can manage big feelings, validation is key. We all want to know that somebody is on our side. If you have goals of self-regulation for your child, then you need to learn how to co-regulate.

2)    Does validation always need to happen? No, it doesn’t. We are human and often tired, stressed, and overwhelmed and we just can’t always do it. That’s ok! Next time is a fresh opportunity to do it. Our children don’t need perfection. Sometimes the best you are able to give is to walk away (tell your child that you will be back) and do some deep breaths or take space. That is a gift you are giving your child in that moment. Regulating your central nervous system is essential. Perhaps after your break you are able to come back and do some validation. If not, next time. Parenting keeps coming and we will have plenty of opportunities.

3)    I can’t validate! This happens a lot and parents struggle with it. Often it is because of unhealed childhood wounds. Yes, we have moved out of our parents’ home but bad parenting happens and it leaves a mark. There are all sorts of unhealed childhood wounds activated when we become parents. You may have already noticed it and if not then do some checking in asking these questions: “What makes it hard to validate?” “What are the words I really want to say to my child and where is that coming from?” “What needs to happen for me to show up and help co-regulate with my child?

4)    I have a 14-year-old and I have never done this!! Is it all lost? Will it even matter?? YES! It will. Children and teens are resilient. It may take time to figure out how to make this transition to a different type of parenting with older teens but it can be done. First, apologize and offer repair. Second, tell them you are going to do it differently and how. Third, try it out!

5) Save any teaching or problem solving for later! Once your kiddo has calmed down then there can be a SHORT conversation about options. Parents lecture and talk too much at this point. You can then talk a little about how to proceed. More about this later. The important part here is to SAVE IT too later.

SIT ON YOUR HANDS! BITE YOUR TONGUE! HOLD BACK ON ANY PROBLEM SOLVING!

Children with big emotions require thoughtful parenting. Children and teens can benefit from individual therapy for anxiety, depression, and anger and I love therapy. However, the biggest shifts are going to come from you! This is exciting and daunting. I am here to help guide and mentor you through the process. It is never too late. Old dogs can learn new tricks.

Kristen Poppert is parent coach and licensed child and family therapist in Bend, OR. She offers innovative, research based parent coaching that helps address child and teen emotional dysregulation (including anger, depression, and anxiety), reduce defiance, improve self confidence, strengthen family dynamics, and more. All coaching sessions are done online with clients based in the U.S.